Sam Venable 

Department of Irony

I was preparing to butter a roll during lunch a few days ago when an odd thing caught my eye.

Instructions. On a pat of butter. I am not kidding.

This tiny rectangle of delicious lipids was sealed in a foil wrapper. On the bottom layer, where the edges of the foil overlapped, were the words “PULL OPEN”—along with an arrow indicating which direction to pull.

I did as instructed.

The flap unfurled, exposing the opposite side of the foil. Sure enough, there was another “PULL OPEN” directive with a corresponding arrow.

“Wow!” I thought to myself. “What a brilliant person I must be! All my life I’ve been opening pats of butter and never once did I have to be told how!”

Then a frightening thought occurred.

“Yikes! What if I hadn’t paid attention to the instructions? What if I had opened the foil top-to-bottom instead of side-to-side? Would the butter police come rushing into this restaurant, whisks pulled and ready for action? What sort of jail sentence do butter law violators face?”

Maybe instructions like these have been printed on butter packs since long before Mrs. O’Leary’s milk cow kicked over that lantern. If so, I’ve never noticed them. Still, I couldn’t help coming away from an otherwise pleasant meal with the discomforting notion that Americans have been dumbed-down once again.

I’ve seen these things. You’ve seen ’em. Everybody has seen ’em. We’ve become so immune to warning labels that we rarely pay attention—even if, in fact, there truly is the potential for danger.

For instance, consider those little packets of moisture-absorbing crystals that come inside medicine bottles. The ones that say “DO NOT EAT.”

OK, at least that’s vaguely understandable because people are, in fact, consuming contents from the bottle.

But what about when this same packet shows up in a shoe box along with new sneakers? That makes about as much sense as a label on the shoelaces stating: “NOT FOR FLOSSING TEETH.”

I don’t know why these nutty warnings and admonitions bug me so. I realize we have become a nation of “sue-ers,” ready to pounce on the faintest hint of a manufacturing error. And this is simply the corporate cover-your-butt response.

Still, I have to shake my head in mirth, if not dismay, when I pick up a product that is riddled with stupid instructions. Such as a box of birthday cake candles that clearly states, “PRODUCES FLAME AND HOT WAX.” You don’t say!

Then again, some of these lame instructions don’t go far enough. Not long ago, I bought a three-pack of bath soap. Sure enough, it came with the standard rules: “WET BAR, LATHER, RINSE, REPEAT.”

That’s silly enough. But if somebody is so dense they have to be told how to use soap, why don’t the instructions also say, “REMOVE WRAPPER FIRST?”

Sam Venable is an author, entertainer and columnist for the Knoxville (TN) News Sentinel. He may be reached at sam.venable@outlook.com.